Coffee Shop Stories - In Need Of Comfort

If you ever had GMRC in school, you would know that etiquette still exists in this world of ours. Etiquette may be an outmoded term, but it’s still very much relevant.

In this second part of my coffee shop observations, I’d like to talk about the usage of the restroom in coffee shops. Included here are some of my rules on how to use them.

Granted, it may not be much to look at. Some shops don’t even have them, and you’d have to walk a distance to get to one (I’m looking at you, I.T. Park). Still, I believe the following rules still apply:

First rule: Fall in line properly and discreetly. Pretty basic, yes? With so many people frequenting coffee shops regularly, the lines do get long. Sometimes I feel it resembles an ATM machine, a passport renewal queue, an NBI clearance line, or an interview at the US Embassy.

When you do fall in line, first make sure the door is locked. You could be the first of 6 people lining up when there’s nobody inside. It will save you time and embarassment. Second, don’t give out any reactions. Bored? In a rush? Tapping fingers because your bladder’s about to explode? Don’t show it, lest you charge into the restroom like a raging bull who’s discharge is already, er, flowing.

Second rule: When using the throne, count. When I have to sit the toilet, I try to count how long I am on it. That way it doesn’t get too embarassing and too time wasting for those waiting.

I go to a mental checklist before sitting: Is the flush working? Is the bidet working? Do I have a backup plan if the bidet is not working? Is there toilet paper? How bad is my stomach? That last question is critical because it forms the basis of counting on the throne. Do you go “one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand,” or “one, two, three, four, hurry up dammit!”

A side rule applies when you’re only in to use the mirror. I know ladies have their own rules to using a toilet (always in pairs at least, to talk about their men, to gossip, etc.), but please be considerate too. If you’re just going to put that eye liner you can do it in your chair. The restroom is a common restroom most of the time, so please be nice. Guys, in the same way, if you’re going to gel up for the big date, you should have done that in the car.

Third rule: When leaving the toilet, nonchalance always wins. Make sure, though, that everything’s the same you left it. Seat up, flushed (from experience, always helpful), no water around the place. Never mind if there’s a line or none, leave and go back to your chair with not a care in the world. If people are waiting for you, they’re not angry that you’re too long (unless they got stains in their pants). All they’re hoping is “I hope you flushed for your sake.”

So those are my rules on proper toilet usage in coffee shops. Let me know what you think.